Saturday, 18 May 2013

Eurovision 2013 - The Line Up (and why we haven't got a hope in hell of winning)

Tonight's the night. The only night of the year where you will sit through hours of diverse -but sometimes horrific- random warblings from our European neighbours....

Yes, as if you could forget.... it's time for Eurovision!!!

Just in case you didn't know, this year the Eurovision Song Contest will be held in the Swedish city of Malmö.

For those of you that don't remember (because let's face it you had already drank 2 litres of Latvian vodka by the time the winner was announced) last years winner was Loreen, winning the 2012 edition of Europe's Favourite TV Show with a fabulous 372 points.

Meanwhile, back in the UK, we stared embarrassingly at the screen as old time crooner Engelbert Humperdinck received a pitiful 12 points with his ballad, Love Will Set You Free. Unfortunately for the 'Hump', only Belgium, Estonia, Latvia and Ireland voted for him. *sad face*

So given that we did so badly in 2012 by forcing an old timer on to the stage I guess this year we should bring someone in someone new, someone young and fashionable... someone with loads of energy like last years winner Loreen as our represenatative.

Representing the music of today in this years Eurovision song contest is....

Bonnie - freakin - Tyler

Are you kidding me? I didn't even know she was still alive! Yes she was an amazing songstrel back in the day. Yes, I cried heart broken, to Total Eclipse of the Heart when my boyfriend of one week held someone elses hand in front of me in 1988 (I was 6) but really? Do we actually want Bonnie Tyler to represent the UK now? 30 years after she reached no. 1 in the UK chart?


For God's sakes people it's 2013!! Why can't we have some kind of social media submission for the UK entry? Start taking it seriously again? Let's find some really hot, raw, new talent via YouTube and project them in to the spotlight for their 15 minutes of fame.

Yeah, yeah, I know what they'll say, it's all about the politics. Every year we know exactly which countries will vote for each other, we say it's a fix - "they never vote for us" - well of course they bloody won't - because we're pushing ageing has beens on to the stage!!!

And to be honest, it's cruel. 

It's like the other week on The Voice when that bloke from Hear Say rocked up and no one turned around - you've had your day dude - just leave it at that. No one wants to be kicked in the b*llocks on Saturday night prime time TV. But he was - those little chairs stayed red and then when he's finished they all turned round with pitiful faces. He should have just stayed in pop history.

The exact same thing is going to happen to little old Bonnie tonight - she's going to fail because she too old and she is not what 'the people' want to see on the stage anymore (despite her now looking slightly like the one of the Finnish monster rockers off of 2006).

Sorry, I don't mean to be all hating on Ms Tyler but she needs to prepare herself for a last place finish.

There. I said it.

We're going to fail because we, as a country, are taking the p*ss by putting Bonnie Tyler off of the 80s in a musical competition against 25 other contestants old enough to be her grandchildren.

But despite that, I know you're all going to watch anyway. So just in case you came here for actual Eurovision info and not my euro whinings, here's the list of this years 26 finalists in order of appearance on tonight's show...

01 France - Amandine Bourgeois - L'enfer Et Moi
02 Lithuania - Andrius Pojavisview - Something
03 Moldova - Aliona Moon - O Mie
04 Finland - Krista Siegfrids - Marry Me
05 Spain - ESDM - Contigo Hasta El Final (With You Until The End)
06 Belgium - Roberto Bellarosa - Love Kills
07 Estonia - Birgit - Et Uus Saaks Alguse
08 Belarus - Alyona Lanskaya - Solayoh
09 Malta - Gianluca - Tomorrow
10 Russia - Dina Garipova - What If
11 Germany - Cascada - Glorious
12 Armenia - Dorians - Lonely Planet
13 The Netherlands - Anouk - Birds
14 Romania - Cezar - It's My Life
15 United Kingdom - Bonnie Tyler - Believe In Me
16 Sweden - Robin Stjernberg - You
17 Hungary - ByeAlex - Kedvesem (Zoohacker Remix)
18 Denmark - Emmelie de Forest - Only Teardrops
19 Iceland - Eythor Ingi - Eg Á Líf
20 Azerbaijan - Farid Mammadov - Hold Me
21 Greece - Koza Mostra feat. Agathon Iakovidis - Alcohol Is Free
22 Ukraine - Zlata Ognevich - Gravity
23 Italy - Marco Mengoni - L'Essenziale
24 Norway - Margaret Berger - I Feed You My Love
25 Georgia - Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani - Waterfall
26 Ireland - Ryan Dolan - Only Love Survives

Good luck Bonnie - you haven't got a hope in hell.

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